In the best tradition of Private Eye and The Big Onion, a new satirical internet site, NewsThump, is spot on with this news release from our best friends Tesco:
Destroying the High Street is our job, Tesco warn rioters
Tesco have slammed the recent violent disorder that has raged around England by warning rioters that they will not relinquish their monopoly on destroying High Street shops without a fight.
The Supermarket behemoth, which has been decimating shops on the High Street for a number of years, is believed to be worried about the speed and efficiency with which rioters and looters forced the closure of a number of stores around the country.
“Making the area look ugly and striking fear into the hearts of local shopkeepers is something that we pride ourselves on,” revealed a Tesco spokesperson.
“We’ve spent a great deal of time and money expanding our business and forcing the closure of smaller retailers, and we will not tolerate any attempt to undermine our superiority in this area.”
Destroyed by Tesco
Looters and rioters have hit back at Tesco’s claim by insisting that the competition will increase choice for consumers.
“For too long Tesco have had a monopoly on forcing the closure of small retail outlets.”
“We want to put an end to this complacency.”
“This is just the start for us. When the weather picks up we’re heading off to the countryside to fuck over the farmers as well.”